This blog has been a long time coming. About nine years to be exact. I have been told by many people that I was supposed to be writing, that I had a story to tell. But up until very recently I had no desire whatsoever to write, or to do anything creative for that matter. I had no ambition, no motivation, and really no life in my life. I was merely just existing...for six whole years. And no...I am not exaggerating. It might sound like I was depressed. But no, for the most part, I wasn't depressed. I was frequently bored, but not depressed. I was fed up with it and wanted it to end. But I recognized that it was not in my control at all. At first, during the early years I struggled constantly. I felt like I was being squeezed. The very life of me was being squeezed out like a sponge and I could do nothing but sit idly by and let it happen. I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because nobody would have understood. I basically lived a secret double life. Nobody knew how zombie-like and lifeless I felt. And it dragged on...and on...and on. It was like a prison sentence. In many ways, I was like a cloistered nun or what I imagine a nun or monk lives like...just existing, kind of in another state. And so very, very bored.
Then, after what seemed like ages, something weird happened. I stopped struggling. Don't get me wrong, I didn't grow to become happy with this weird state of existence, or lack thereof. Instead, something happened to me...it started maybe a couple of years ago, but it was really very off and on. And it didn't happen overnight. No, nothing in this "thing" has happened overnight. Everything happens so slowly, like molasses. But one day, I just woke up and felt...I don't know how to describe it... not necessarily alive. But different. At peace with it all. I was content. I felt pretty good. Nothing in my external life changed, everything was just as stuck as it had always been for me. But internally, I felt a discernible shift in my perception. And this, in a way, was scarier than the previous stage of struggle. Because this was a stage I could stay in forever. I was no longer in a dead state, but I was definitely not quite alive either. It was as if I was given an elixir and soothed to sleep so I wouldn't notice the state of my world. A good analogy would be that I was in a coma, or in the afterlife, and not on heaven or earth. But I didn't mind it, because I felt fine. At times, just for mere glimpses at first, I even felt good, really good. A very new kind of good. Like, imagine how you would feel if you didn't need anything or anyone. Most people probably can't imagine that. But I didn't feel lack, especially after all this time, because I no longer needed anything to be happy. I was content just to be. Little things began to excite me. I started to pay more attention. I found joy in noticing the magic. I began to feel like a magician. My life, or lack thereof, began to be a trip. It's crazy...and sooo hard to explain. But what would be my lack of a life, according to normal people's standards, was so much more. So, so much more. On the outside, it consisted of no one and nothing. Seriously. Days would go by where I wouldn't have a single conversation with anyone. But I paradoxically began to feel fulfilled. And strong, so strong. It turns out that when you get rid of all the noise and stuff, it can suddenly get loud in a way that really matters.
Then, after what seemed like ages, something weird happened. I stopped struggling. Don't get me wrong, I didn't grow to become happy with this weird state of existence, or lack thereof. Instead, something happened to me...it started maybe a couple of years ago, but it was really very off and on. And it didn't happen overnight. No, nothing in this "thing" has happened overnight. Everything happens so slowly, like molasses. But one day, I just woke up and felt...I don't know how to describe it... not necessarily alive. But different. At peace with it all. I was content. I felt pretty good. Nothing in my external life changed, everything was just as stuck as it had always been for me. But internally, I felt a discernible shift in my perception. And this, in a way, was scarier than the previous stage of struggle. Because this was a stage I could stay in forever. I was no longer in a dead state, but I was definitely not quite alive either. It was as if I was given an elixir and soothed to sleep so I wouldn't notice the state of my world. A good analogy would be that I was in a coma, or in the afterlife, and not on heaven or earth. But I didn't mind it, because I felt fine. At times, just for mere glimpses at first, I even felt good, really good. A very new kind of good. Like, imagine how you would feel if you didn't need anything or anyone. Most people probably can't imagine that. But I didn't feel lack, especially after all this time, because I no longer needed anything to be happy. I was content just to be. Little things began to excite me. I started to pay more attention. I found joy in noticing the magic. I began to feel like a magician. My life, or lack thereof, began to be a trip. It's crazy...and sooo hard to explain. But what would be my lack of a life, according to normal people's standards, was so much more. So, so much more. On the outside, it consisted of no one and nothing. Seriously. Days would go by where I wouldn't have a single conversation with anyone. But I paradoxically began to feel fulfilled. And strong, so strong. It turns out that when you get rid of all the noise and stuff, it can suddenly get loud in a way that really matters.
And this was just the beginning. This beautiful state of being wasn't permanent. No, that would be too easy. I went up and down and back and forth, between heaven and the dead zone and back to the coma for years. And it could change at a moment's notice. I could stay in one place for a week, then all of a sudden be back to square one, as if it was all just a dream. I seriously felt like I had some kind of spiritual bipolar disorder. But as time progressed, I started to notice that I would spend more and more time in my heaven state.
I think more people out there are starting to relate to what I have gone through and I think, I know... I feel, it is time to get my story out there because what really seemed like nothing for so many years, was really quite something.
Buckle up, there is a lot I need to tell you. Please bear with me, I have no clue where I am going with this. I'm not telling a story. I am just flowing, and thankfully, actually living now.
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